The Friendly Funeralista

Archive for the ‘opening ceremonies’ Category

Like most of you, I watched the opening ceremonies of the Olympics last night.  I thought the ceremony was very impressive, moving and very Canadian.  When our Canadian athletes entered the stadium I had tears streaming down my face.  I held my breath waiting to see who would be given the honour to light the Olympic torch.  I spent the evening on my blackberry messaging my husband (away on business in Arizona) all the details.  The highlight for me was the very touching manner in which the Olympic organizers honoured the athlete from Georgia who lost his life earlier in the day while taking a final training run on the luge course.  Black arm bands were worn by the Georgian team, hats were removed when they entered the stadium and a moment of silence marked his death — VERY WELL DONE!

That said, us funeral directors are terribly critical and have a crushing eye for detail …  As my favourite author Tom Lynch tells us, … with funerals there are no second chances, no refund policies, there is only one funeral per customer.  Should the Olympics be hosted by Canadians in the future, I would encourage the committee to put a funeral director on the organizing committee for the following reasons:

1. The platform party, seated with the Governor General and Prime Minister, would be on time.  In fact, they would have been there the night before, wearing Depends if necessary, to ensure promptness.

2. The Mounties carrying in the Canadian Flag would have marched in unison … not only their feet but arms too.  To boot, they would have all been the same height.

3.  Laureen Harper (Prime Minister’s bride) would have spent the day at Holt Renfrew (posh department store) getting a makeover.  She would have worn a red Chanel suit, sporting a toni new hair cut.

4. The Governor General looked wonderful, but someone should have made her drink a case of Red Bull with a pot of Tim’s to chase it such that she could stay awake during the ceremonies.

5. Nelly Furtado would have been wearing an A-line skirt. Form fitting shiny frocks are not flattering on curvy hipped girls

6. KD Lang would have been wearing shoes. 

7.  The fans used to make the Olympic and Canadian flags flutter would actually be placed in the proper way such that the flags actually fluttered at a 90 degree angle.

8.  The Olympians bearing the flags for their countries would have been required to attend a Flag Bearing 101 course such that they were waved without get furled up

9.  Wayne Gretsky would have been transported in a more suitable vehicle to the outdoor cauldron.  I think I would have called the North Pole and confiscated Santa’s sleigh and reindeer.

10. Finally, the arms to the Olympic Cauldron would have worked — PERIOD.  The hydraulics engineer in charge of that task should be giving in their steel pinkie ring as we speak.

As a final thought, where was Canada’s Diva, Celine Dion?  The young girl who sang the anthem did an admiral job but for my money, Celine would have brought down the house.  Maybe she is being saved for the closer? Did I miss anything?

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